Dating can be intimidating and frustrating if you don’t know how to date with a strategy and set yourself up for success. This is not about playing games; it’s about having a support structure that will help you find a high-value man who aligns with your love vision and the future you want to build.
Yes, we should follow our heart when searching for the one, but we’ve also got to use our heads to ensure we don’t get carried away by a fantasy that doesn’t exist. If you’ve been unlucky in love a lot or continue to attract toxic, emotionally unavailable men, you’ve got some work to do before you find what you’re searching for. Follow these steps, and you’ll save time, energy, and heartache on your way to a healthy, loving connection with the man of your dreams.
Today’s dating landscape is more fast-paced than ever before, and if you’re newly single or need help finding love, this article is for you.
This is how to date smarter & more successfully this year
1. Learn to love yourself
Little Love Step #1 of my 7 Little Love Steps is to build your sexy confidence, tap into your feminine energy and learn to love yourself so that you automatically position yourself as a high-value woman. When a woman values herself and knows what she brings to the table, other people can see and feel it. There’s nothing more attractive than this in a woman, and it has nothing to do with appearance.
So if you always attract low-value men and unhealthy relationships, I’d recommend taking a step back from dating and working on you. Invest in your health, work, hobbies, and social life. Practice self-care. Learn to love life as a single woman and appreciate all you have to offer.
2. Think about why you’re single
If you’ve been single for a while but want a relationship, reflect on why that might be. Are there patterns you continue to repeat that are holding you back from attracting what you want? It’s all about figuring out what your dating blind spots are.
For example, a negative dating pattern might be that you are too picky. You rarely match with someone on dating apps, and first dates rarely lead to a second. Perhaps you’re focusing on the wrong things when evaluating a guy’s potential.
Another example is attracting emotionally unavailable men who won’t commit. Instead of picking up on the subtle (or not-so-subtle) red flags that these men are not ready for a relationship, you continue to invest your time and energy into them and end up hurt.
If you’re unsure why you’re single, ask someone you trust who knows you well to give you their honest opinion. Alternatively, consider working with a dating coach to help you better understand yourself and where you’re going wrong.
Once you’ve identified the problem, work on solving it. For example, if you tend to be too picky, commit to a second date with every guy (unless he’s a psycho). If you keep attracting commitment-phobes, make it clear early on what you’re looking for and see if you’re on the same page. If you’re not, that’s your cue to walk away.
3. Be at peace with being single
Here’s how to date smarter and more successfully this year: embrace being single. Of course, we all want to find love and be loved. But the reality is a relationship won’t complete you and won’t make you happy or confident. That’s on you.
Plus, if you’re not comfortable and content with being single, this will shine through when you’re out meeting new people, and it can make you settle for men and relationships that aren’t good for you.
So start looking for things to be grateful for and things you love about being single. Maybe it’s the fun and excitement of meeting new people from different backgrounds. Perhaps it’s being able to invest more time in yourself and your hobbies or having your house organized and decorated exactly the way you like it.
4. Create your love vision
Now you’re ready to create a love vision (this is Little Love Step #2). Take time to reflect on the man and relationship compatible with your future. The man who’s right for you may not necessarily match with the man you think you want.
This exercise will help clarify what you want so that you’ll know how to choose the right man and avoid wasting time in the wrong relationship. Focus more on writing down qualities and characteristics you’re looking for rather than height or how much he looks like The Rock.
5. Be open-minded
To learn how to date more successfully, you’ve got to do it with an open mind. Having a “type” will close you off from meeting many amazing men with whom you could potentially fall in love and have a wonderful relationship.
It’s great to have shared interests, and it’s important to have shared values. But it’s okay if he has different interests or isn’t your usual “type.” For example, don’t automatically write off a guy because he says he “loves the gym” and you would rather poke your eyes out than step foot in a gym. You might be a great match!
Open your mind, and you’ll find you have a lot more luck when dating.
6. Stay safe
A quick note on safety: stay alert when meeting new people and going out. Make sure you put your comfort and safety first. If a man doesn’t understand your need to feel safe (i.e., meet in an open public place, not go for a walk with him late at night in an unlit street, etc.), then he’s not worth investing your time in.
You’re right to be concerned and over-cautious when meeting a stranger or someone you’ve only met a handful of times. Always let someone know where you’re going, meet in a busy neutral place, and don’t have more than one drink on a first date so you can maintain a clear head.
7. Have a positive attitude
Here’s a great tip for how to date more successfully: be positive! I know it’s easy to get discouraged if you go on a string of bad dates with guys who aren’t your cup of tea. But maybe you’re looking at things the wrong way.
What if you decided to walk into every first date with a completely open mind and look at it as a chance to meet someone new and gain a fresh perspective? What if you didn’t see it as two hours of your life you’ll never get back but rather two more hours of solid dating practice?
Go into every date with the mindset of laughing a lot, enjoying your favorite drink, and having a new experience, regardless of whether it leads to another date. Positive energy is infectious. Your aura will draw high-energy, upbeat people toward you and make you much more attractive.
8. Start meeting quality men
Now you’re ready to get out there and start meeting high-quality men who meet your love vision (this is what I call Little Love Step #3).
“But Adam, all the good guys in my town are either taken or gay!”
There are plenty of amazing, single, high-value men; you just need to know where to look for them. So if you haven’t met any, you’re looking in the wrong places!
Give dating apps and match-making services a go, but opt for ones tailored to the kind of man you’re looking for. E.g., if you’re looking for someone who is a devout Christian just like you, Christian Mingle would be a great one to join.
Make sure you say yes to invites to gatherings and parties that come your way, and get out of your comfort zone and talk to new people while you’re there. Heck, talk to new people wherever you are: at the grocery store, coffee house, or even the dentist!
Let yourself be introduced to new people and set up by friends and family (as long as they know you well). Volunteer in your local community. Join a sports club (this is a great place to meet high-value men).
9. Join (or start) a singles group
When you’re single, you’ve got to be around other single people. So if you don’t have many single friends, join a local singles group. If you can’t find one, start one!
Most singles groups will host fun meetups like happy hour drinks, casual dinners, morning hikes, etc., where everyone brings along one single person. This is a fantastic way to meet new people in a safe, informal setting.
10. Keep dates short
I tell all my clients to keep first dates to around an hour long and, at most, 90 minutes.
Because that’s plenty of time to connect with someone in real life, and it leaves you wanting to know more.
If you click with a guy and feel a spark, it can be tempting to lose yourself in the moment and spend the entire weekend together. The problem with this is you’re going way too fast, too soon, and it can cause him to pull away. You’ve got to make him work harder than that for you—men like a challenge.
11. Brush up on your flirting skills
Here’s a crash course in flirting.
93% of communication is nonverbal. Therefore, it doesn’t matter what you say; it matters how you say it.
To show a man that you’re interested, use the S.T.E.P. method:
- Smile while talking (I call this “smalking”)
- Touch (a strong indicator of interest)
- Eye contact
- Posture and positioning (tall, shoulders back. Be like Beyoncé!)
- Crossed arms
- An “I’m too cool for you” look
- A deer in headlights look
- Fidgeting or playing with your hair
- Inattentiveness or staring at your phone
- Masculine body language
Remember, the more people you meet and the more dates you go on, the more you get to flirt your butt off!
I go into more detail on these flirting techniques in my love accelerator program, which you can learn more about here.
12. Date multiple people at once
One of the best lessons in how to date smarter and more successfully is not to put all your eggs in one basket and explore new connections with many people (Little Love Step #4). Play the field. Have fun. Don’t narrow your options down before you need to.
Most women get hurt when dating because they invest all their energy in one guy. The problem is that when you’re more invested than he is, it puts him in a position of power. And if he ghosts or pulls away, you’ll feel the loss because you’d pinned all your hopes on that donkey.
13. Be clear about wanting a relationship (if that’s what you want)
If you’re looking for something serious, then don’t hide it! Your time is far too valuable to waste on a man or connection that is going nowhere fast.
Don’t worry about scaring a man off by being honest about your intentions. If he bails, he’s probably a serial commitment-phobe who wouldn’t have lasted anyway. You’re doing yourself a favor weeding out guys like that now rather than later when stronger feelings are involved.
Part of having a healthy, successful relationship is being able to communicate openly and express your needs. Laying your chips on the table requires courage and vulnerability, and that’s sexy.
14. And if you do want a relationship, skip the first date sex
Look, I know there’s a lot of conflicting advice on this topic. So before I say this, I want you to know it’s not coming from a weird, patriarchal, sexist place.
If you’re at a stage where you want to enjoy no-strings-attached hookups, that’s great! But if you want something more serious, having sex on a first date is unlikely to lead there. It kills the sexual tension and mystery and doesn’t give the guy anything to work for.
Plus, men are wired differently from women. We’re able to have sex and not catch feelings for a woman. But it’s very difficult for women to have sex and walk away without having emotionally bonded on some level with the guy in question. So save yourself the heartache, and keep things PG for a while until you get to know each other.
15. Practice pacing
While you’re out there dating lots of guys and being your fabulous self, remember to pace (Little Love Step #5).
If a connection is going well, and you meet a guy you really like, it’s natural to want to stop dating other people, spend a lot of time with him, and jump into boyfriend and girlfriend territory. But what I want you to do is slow things down even more.
Because this will make men pursue you even harder. Plus, it lets you decide who you want to be exclusive with. That’s a big deal, so don’t rush it.
16. Don’t be afraid to say “NEXT!”
Remember, if you spot a red flag, your values clash, or you’ve gone on three dates, and you’re still not feeling a connection, don’t be afraid to walk away.
A high-value woman always knows she has walking power and won’t waste her time on something she can’t see lasting or aligning with her future.
17. Remember that good things take time to develop
The final lesson in how to date smarter and more successfully is to accept that great things take time to build. Nothing amazing happens overnight. So don’t try to rush the process; rather, enjoy it! Remember, once you meet your person, you’re potentially never going to be single and dating again like this, so make the most of your freedom, have fun, and stay hopeful!
Now that you’ve got a solid strategy to follow, what is the first step you’re going to take to change things up and start dating smarter and more successfully, starting today?
Tell me in the comments below!