Most women have found themselves attracted to an alpha male at some point. Sometimes, you won’t even know why. There’s just something about this man that pulls you in. He’s the guy who everyone is gravitating toward at a party (girls and guys). He’s the one who always knows exactly what to say and is making everyone smile and laugh. And he oozes confidence and charisma. But what exactly can you expect when dating an alpha male, and what do you need to know about being in a relationship with an alpha male?
What is an alpha male?
The terms “alpha male” and “alpha female” originate from studies on wolf packs in captivity. And despite some question marks on whether an “alpha wolf” is an actual thing, the term has stuck for humans.
Although trying to sort people into neat little categories never quite works, we can learn a lot by looking at the qualities and behaviors associated with the term “alpha” and how these might affect a romantic relationship.
Alpha male characteristics typically include being the group leader, ambitious, a go-getter, decisive, confident, intelligent, motivated, and charming.
What type of woman do alpha males like?
There are two schools of thought regarding an alpha male’s perfect match. Some say an alpha male will be drawn to a slightly more passive woman, so they’re not constantly bumping heads. However, an alpha male may resent a partner who is too withdrawn because this might make them feel like they’re single-handedly driving the relationship. Plus, alpha males are often looking for their match—a woman who is just as confident and intelligent to keep them on their toes and inspire them.
And honestly, these are probably both true. Because we’re all different. You can’t put every alpha male into the same box. So the moral of the story is that an alpha male could be attracted to someone who is both similar and different from him.
Don’t ever try to fit into another man’s definition of attractive. The most beautiful thing you can do is be authentic and confident in who you are, and that’s why it’s my Little Love Step #1! Alpha males are often attracted to women who are soft and feminine on the outside but strong as a rock on the inside.
Alpha male vs. narcissist
There’s a finer line than you’d think between alpha male behavior and narcissism. And when you first meet a guy, it isn’t easy to know which one you’ve been dealt.
What may first appear as confidence, bravado, and self-assuredness might end up as arrogance, controlling, selfishness, or even abuse. Young women, in particular, are prone to falling for these fake alpha males because they’re oh-so-charming at first and pros at hiding their true colors.
So, how do you know whether you should trust the guy you just started dating? He might be ticking all the alpha boxes, but what if he’s just a narc in a dapper suit?
As I tell all the women in my coaching program, the only real way to know if you can trust someone is to measure their consistency over time.
One of the best things you can do is make sure you’re confident in yourself before starting a relationship. Set boundaries early on and regularly check in with yourself to ensure the man in front of you still meets your love vision (Little Love Step #2).
Healthy characteristics when dating an alpha male
Here are some clear signs you’re dating an alpha male (the real kind).
1. He is a 10 when it comes to confidence
One of the main reasons alpha males are so darn attractive to girls (and guys) is because of how confident they are. Confidence is sexy, which is why it’s number #1 on my list of Little Love Steps for you ladies.
An alpha male knows who he is and what he wants and is not afraid to go get it. Being around someone with this level of confidence has a knock-on effect on you. When you’re with him, you feel more confident and positive too. This is why it’s so important to be intentional about the people you surround yourself with. Energy is as contagious as covid.
And although an alpha male appears confident and strong, he needs love and support just as much as we all do.
2. He’s courageous
At times it might seem like alpha males are completely fearless and blasé about the consequences of their actions. But this couldn’t be further from the truth. They’re not fearless (no one is). They still question themselves at times and have doubts, worries, and setbacks. Their willingness to pick themselves back up and keep going no matter what sets them apart from others.
An alpha male will always stand up for himself, his loved ones, and even people he doesn’t know. He will fight to the end for what he believes is right and is not afraid to stand alone. And this is what endears him to so many people.
3. He loves being the center of attention
Whether at work or in a bar on a Friday night, an alpha male will be in the throng of the action, where he feels most at home. Chances are, he’s an extrovert too.
Girls immediately notice him and want to be with him, while guys want to be him. He knows how to work a crowd and get the party started. And he does it with ease.
4. He’s incredibly charismatic
Even if alpha types typically make you roll your eyes, one conversation with him will change your mind and have you fluttering your eyelashes instead. You can’t help but listen to what he’s saying because he says everything with such confidence and conviction. And he knows a lot about a lot of interesting things. The history of orange harvesting in California, tie-dyeing a t-shirt, how many Indian rupees there are to a dollar—you name it, he can usually talk about it.
An alpha male is also strong with his eye contact. Even if there’s a crowd around him, he’ll make you feel special and seen and like you’re the only woman in the room.
5. He’s fiercely protective
An alpha male wants to make sure the people around him are safe. He won’t start a fight, but he won’t back down if he finds himself in one and will defend himself and his loved ones. If you’re ever wronged or treated badly, it’ll hurt him, and he’ll want justice.
He’s the guy who will give you his jacket on a date when you’re cold. He’ll walk you to your door to ensure you get home safely. And he’ll check in when he knows you’re going through something tough.
6. He’s assertive
Although some might mistake his directness as rudeness or aggression, this is never a true alpha’s intention. He speaks and acts with clarity, calmness, and respect. Although he knows what he wants and pursues it, he is not controlling, domineering or unkind.
If something doesn’t feel right or he thinks there’s a better way to tackle something, he’ll speak up. He’s not afraid of the consequences and not afraid to get shut down.
7. He knows who he is and won’t follow the crowd
There’s a scene from John Tucker Must Die where the girls set John up in an elaborate prank, and he ends up walking down a hotel corridor in nothing but a lace thong in front of all his high school basketball teammates and coaches. The girls thought they’d got him good. But the next week at school, all the guys were waltzing around wearing thongs that peeked out over the top of their pants!
This is a classic example of an alpha male setting trends and not following the crowd. Other people tend to follow him. And if they don’t? It doesn’t phase him in the slightest. He’s sure of himself and doesn’t need outside approval or validation.
8. He’s a natural leader
Whether taking charge of a big project at work, steering the ship of his business, or planning the next romantic date, an alpha male loves to lead and excels at it. Most of the time, he’s not trying to lead; it just happens. He manages to influence without being too pushy and always takes the initiative. Give him a problem, and he’ll solve it strategically and quickly. This is why a lot of alpha males advance rapidly in their careers.
9. He’s chivalrous
Alpha males love to please, especially the women in their lives. He’ll carry that heavy suitcase for you, pull your chair out, and even pick you up and carry you into the bedroom 😉. He’s a true gent and loves some old-school romance—another reason why you ladies love these guys.
10. He’s self-aware
Is an alpha male good for a relationship?
Well, another one of his strong points is how aware he is of his strengths and weaknesses. And this is a key trait to have for anyone in a relationship.
He plays to his strengths, works to improve his flaws, and never lets his weaknesses hold him back.
11. He’s upfront
Alpha males don’t sugarcoat what they’re thinking. He doesn’t mean to hurt your feelings; he just can’t help but be direct and upfront. Sometimes, this can be hard to hear, especially if you’re a sensitive woman. The good thing is he’s upfront when he makes a mistake. He doesn’t hide anything; instead, he confronts it, owns it, and moves on.
12. He’s driven and ambitious
This is the guy who always has a one, five, and ten-year plan. He knows what he wants, has a plan to achieve it, and goes to work. He’s motivated, disciplined, and relentless in pursuit of his goals. And he’s always looking to improve in any way he can, in all areas of his life: his work, diet, fitness, and relationships.
He also knows that to achieve all these things, he has to prioritize himself, which is what he does. So sometimes, it might feel like he’s being distant, but it’s probably because he’s focused on a big project and wants to give it his all.
13. He takes care of himself
He might not look like The Rock, but you can guarantee he’s going for a five-mile run before work or hitting the gym after. The alpha male has an active lifestyle, eats a healthy, balanced diet, and makes an effort to look his best. If he does indulge in beers and pizza with the guys on a Saturday night, you can bet he won’t miss his personal training sesh the following morning.
He’s well-groomed, knows how to dress to impress, and always looks the part. He’s the kind of man that other men are intimidated by and in awe of simultaneously. It seems like he’s got his entire life together, and he makes it look like a total breeze.
14. He has high standards (for himself and others)
Alpha males are notorious for having ridiculously high standards for themselves, which also means they’re often their own worst critics. And because he sets the bar so high for himself, he expects the people around him to meet him there. If this goes unchecked, it may make you feel like nothing you ever do is good enough. But managed the right way, it will inspire and encourage you to be the very best version of you that you can be. He wants to do great things, but he also wants you to do great things too, and he believes that you can.
15. He barely ever complains
The final healthy characteristic you’ll notice when dating an alpha male is that he always maintains a positive, optimistic outlook, even when life throws him a curve ball.
Some people like to moan about something now and then, while others consider complaining a sport. If you’re one of these people, you’ve got to quit complaining cold turkey. You will never attract a high-quality man if you’re a negative Nelly.
Alpha males don’t do this. They know it’s a waste of energy and refuse to be in a powerless, victim mindset.
Naturally, there are times when he has a bad day. We all do. But he’ll quickly turn it around by finding a solution and working on it. And that makes him an awesome person to be around.
Unhealthy & abusive characteristics to watch out for
Here are some signs to watch out for when dating. You might think you’ve got an alpha male in front of you, but what you’ve really got is an abusive, egotistical, potential narcissist.
1. He’s territorial and smothering
Don’t confuse being protective with being territorial. It may seem romantic when you first start dating, but over time, it’ll feel like you’re being smothered. You’re a strong woman, but he’s not letting you protect yourself because you’re a part of “his territory.” It doesn’t take long before you start to feel like a delicate china doll that could shatter at any moment. And the more independent you are, the quicker this will irritate you!
2. He’s controlling
Healthy alpha males in relationships are decisive and often naturally take the lead. But you’ve got to watch out for when this transitions into him needing to control everything down to the last detail. If he’s trying to tell you what to wear or say or what job to take, don’t chalk it up to him having a strong opinion. He’s way out of line here. And you’ll end up fighting for a voice regarding anything: what you eat for dinner, where you go on vacation, and what color your hair is. Challenge him, and he’ll withdraw completely and sulk or throw a massive tantrum.
3. He puts you down
Anyone who needs to put others down is not strong; they’re weak. When you’re dating a true, healthy alpha male, he will want you to be just as strong as he is, so the last thing he’ll do is insult or humiliate you.
If a man uses fear, intimidation, or abuse to get you to do what he wants or make himself feel better, he’s no more than a piece of pond slime. Scratch that; pond slime is better than this guy.
4. He doesn’t open up
If a man is always cold with you, doesn’t talk about his feelings, and clearly doesn’t care about yours, then you’ll never be able to build a healthy relationship. Communication is fundamental to the success of all relationships.
When dating an alpha male, walk away if he:
- Disrespects you, other women, or women in general
- Puts you down
- Openly disapproves of your choices in clothing, makeup, or friendships
- Gets crazily jealous when you’re around other men
- Can’t control his anger and tends to blow up regularly
- Regularly pokes at and highlights your flaws
What do alpha males want in a relationship?
So, the question on your mind might be, what makes alpha males fall in love?
Honestly, they aren’t that different from any other guy. Here’s what you need to know to date an alpha male.
6 Things you need to know when dating an alpha male
1. Know the difference between a healthy alpha and a pretend alpha
Make sure you read all the above points and clearly understand what a healthy alpha male looks like. And maintain this awareness when meeting new guys and going on dates. If you see even a glimmer of toxic or abusive behavior, don’t hesitate to use my favorite four-letter word: “NEXT!”
2. Tap into your feminine energy
Alpha males tend to be strongly rooted in their masculine energy. As we’ve discussed, that doesn’t mean they’re “macho” men who think any man who cries is weak. It just means they are fully embodying a healthy version of masculinity.
So, what does this mean? Although every man is different, opposites tend to attract. Therefore, an alpha male will likely be drawn to a woman who radiates strong feminine energy. And this also happens to be a large part of Little Love Step #1.
It’s not about being “sexy” or wearing a pair of heels. Feminine energy means embracing naturally feminine traits like being open to receiving, caring, and soft. Don’t confuse this with being a pushover—that’s not what I want you to do here (or anywhere else).
For example, you let him pull your chair out for you at dinner. You allow him to pay the bill on your first date when he tells you he doesn’t want to split. You wait for him to text or call after the date. When you do this, you’re letting him lead you and pursue you, both of which he’ll love.
Can an alpha male date an alpha female?
As I mentioned, many alphas will be drawn to the strength and confidence of other alphas.
And if you can both manage your desire to take the lead, your relationship can be incredibly thrilling and successful.
But when you’re in the early stages of dating, don’t be afraid to reign things in a little and lean into your feminine energy.
3. Maintain your independence
One piece of dating advice I always give women is: he’s not going to want a life with you unless you have an amazing life without him. This is true throughout a relationship and applies to all high-quality men, not just alphas.
So make sure you’ve got an incredible life outside of him. If you feel like your life is a little boring right now, try some new hobbies, go to a class, and reconnect with old friends (who you actually miss).
4. Be authentic
The danger when dating a man who is so well put together and driven is that you end up doubting yourself and trying to be who you think he wants you to be. But when you do this, it almost always comes off as fake, and you can only wear a mask for so long. So be confident in who you are and what you bring to the table. He can take it or leave it.
5. Listen to him and show support
When dating an alpha male, it’s easy to let him handle everything because you know he’s capable of doing so. But guys like this need support just as much as the next guy. So show him that you can be a rock for him. Listen to him, empathize, and offer him what he needs in the moment.
Because he has such big dreams and goals, he’s looking for a teammate who will champion him to the very end and believe in him just as much as he does. If you know he has a thing for cheerleaders, you can literally don a cheer outfit and some sparkly pom-poms and cheer him on from the bleachers.
On the off chance that you don’t agree with what he’s doing or saying, be honest with him. He’ll appreciate your directness.
6. Don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself
Don’t get confused about what an alpha male wants. Yes, he’s naturally dominant. But a true alpha will also love a woman who stands up to him and stands up for herself. He’s not looking for someone weak he can walk all over. That’s called an abuser.
So if you ever feel unhappy or like you’re not getting what you need from him, speak up.
I’d love to know about your experiences with dating alpha males. Do you love them? Do you loathe them? Are you dating one right now?
Tell me all in the comments below!