What makes you a successful dater? If you’ve asked yourself this question, you’re not alone. A lot of us wonder what we can do to improve our chances of finding love. Common things that crop up include having a good job, dressing well, getting in shape, or knowing how to be charming and flirty over text. But, while these things can help, none of them will give you the boost that improving your positive self-talk will.
But, what is positive self-talk exactly? In this article, we’ll take deep dive into what self-talk is, what negative and positive iterations of self-talk look like, how each of these can affect your relationships, and finally, what you can do to improve your self-talk. Let’s get into it!
Okay, What Exactly Is Self-Talk?
Self-talk is a new-fangled term for a pretty straightforward concept. Simply put, self-talk means talking to yourself, whether that’s via the internal monologue in your head or words that are spoken aloud. Almost everybody practices some form of self-talk, whether it’s mumbling shopping lists under your breath while browsing a supermarket, or berating your foolishness for thwacking your little toe against the coffee table for the third time that afternoon.
Now, there are two kinds of self-talk: positive and negative. We’ll be looking at the latter first, and the impact it can have on your love life.
What Is Negative Self-Talk?
The example in the previous paragraph is negative self-talk; that is, insulting yourself, scolding yourself, and putting yourself down. Negative self-talk is easy to do, and most of us will have done it at some point. Who hasn’t lost their keys and called themselves an idiot, or woken up with a hangover and berated themselves for their overindulgence? It’s human to scold ourselves when we make a mistake, yet to do this too often can cause problems with our self-image.
How Does Negative Self-Talk Affect Relationships?
Too much negative self-talk can lead to a decrease in our self-confidence and self-belief over time. Do it often enough, and you may begin to truly believe the things you’re saying – that you’re an idiot, that you’re not good enough, that you’re unlovable. And, naturally, this can impact your relationships hugely.
With your confidence at a low point, you may become more stressed about whether your partner still loves you and if you’re good enough for them. These insecurities can put a heavy strain on relationships, and even lead to breakups.
Examples of negative self-talk
- “I tried hard on that exam, but my best wasn’t good enough.”
- “I’m not going to wear this outfit today in case people judge me.”
- “I’ve had a tough week, and I’m getting nowhere. Next week will probably be the same.”
- “I can’t believe I dropped that plate and smashed it, I’m such an idiot.”
What About the Other Side: What Is Positive Self-Talk?
So, what is positive self-talk? Positive self-talk is, very simply, being kind to yourself. Let’s say you carry out a task to a high standard. Negative self-talk would involve convincing yourself it was just a lucky fluke. Positive self-talk would be congratulating yourself for your diligence and hard work, and to allow yourself to feel proud.
It doesn’t necessarily need to be positive affirmations in the mirror, although this is a way to do it. It might simply be a case of deliberately thinking kind thoughts daily. Look for the good things you’re achieving, make a note of them, congratulate yourself, and look towards the future with a positive mindset of “I can do this!” Top tip: If you feel like you need a boost, listen to some of the best self-love songs to get you into a positive mindset.
Examples of positive self-talk
- “I did my best on that exam, and I’m proud of how hard I studied for it.”
- “I’m going to wear this outfit today because I love the way I feel wearing it”.
- “I’ve had a tough week, but I’m still making progress, and next week will be better.”
- “I know I dropped that plate and smashed it, but it’s not the end of the world. Everyone makes mistakes sometimes!”
What Are the Benefits of Positive Self-Talk for Singles?
Positive self-talk is, for single people, vital for building confidence. As a single person, confidence is a huge part of meeting somebody and finding love. It makes you more attractive outwardly and it helps you feel worthy of love inwardly. By being kind and supportive to yourself, your self–love grows, and it won’t be long before you begin to radiate an aura of self-belief that people can sense from a mile away. It’s sexy!
What Are the Benefits of Positive Self-Talk for People in Relationships?
There are innumerable quotes out there about how you can’t successfully love someone else if you don’t first love yourself. And it’s true! Self-love for men and women combined with positive self-talk makes the perceived perception of yourself shoot up.
If you think you’re great, your partner is going to sense this too – and confidence is sexy! It builds trust, intimacy, and a sense of fun. What’s more, building confidence is something everybody is capable of.
6 Ways to Deal With Negative Thoughts in a Relationship and Become a Pro at Positive Self-Talk
1. When you make promises to yourself, keep them
A surefire shortcut to negative thoughts about yourself is to say you’ll do one thing, then do the opposite. If you’ve decided to cut out caffeine or chocolate or promised yourself you’d go for a run this weekend – make it happen, even if you need to push yourself.
The rush you get after keeping the promise will make it a hundred times easier to love yourself and get those positive self-talk thoughts flowing.
2. Set yourself a lot of small, achievable goals
If you feel proactive and productive, it’s much easier to feel positive about yourself. Make a to-do list, and fill it with small things: make your bed; eat a healthy breakfast; read a few pages of a book.
Make them so small you can’t really fail and when you hit each goal, tick them off. It fills you with a sense of achievement and gives you plenty of ammunition for those positive self-talks.
3. Compliment yourself
Your opinion is just as valid as anyone else’s, right? So compliment yourself. Say it into the mirror before you go out, say it in your head when you hit a goal or when you socialize with somebody and it goes well. If you’re nervous about a first date but go for it anyway and you both enjoy yourselves, treat yourself to a deluge of kind thoughts – you deserve it!
4. Normalize your desires by visualizing them
Let’s say you want to find a partner by the end of the year. Positive self-talk means telling yourself you deserve it, and repeating that until you believe it. It might seem far-fetched at first, but by visualizing what you want – whether it’s a crush you’re crazy about or the idea of being in a good relationship with compassion and tenderness – you’re helping your mind grow accustomed to these ideas. This means that, when your chance appears, you’ll be less afraid to take it.
5. Prevent negative self-talk by rationalizing
Okay, so maybe you had a lackluster date, and you didn’t have much in common. As you head home, instead of berating yourself for not being more flirty/attractive/interesting, try instead to rationalize. Is it reasonable to assume you’re a perfect match for everyone on the planet? No, it isn’t. It’s inevitable that some of your dates won’t be brimming with chemistry, and it’s perfectly okay too. That’s how dating works.
Another thing to think about when you’re tempted to put yourself down is the question “does this failure/annoyance/embarrassment really impact anything?” Are your friends and family impacted? Is your job at risk? Have you derailed your whole life? 9 times out of 10, the answer is a resounding “no”. So stop worrying, and be kind to yourself! And, if you’re feeling a bit of dating app fatigue, take a break. Come back to it when you’re ready.
6. Don’t shame yourself when you fail
We all mess up from time to time. Failure isn’t something to be ashamed of, especially if we learn from it. If you can’t quite hit a goal you’ve set, or you have a bad date and your attempt at positive self-talk falls flat, don’t allow this to drag you into the mire of negative self-beliefs. Instead, dust yourself off, congratulate yourself for having the guts to try, and start over. Each time it’ll get a little bit easier until finally, it comes naturally.
Start Embracing Positive Self-Talk Today!
There you have it: Our comprehensive answer to the question, “what is positive self-talk?” You now have all you need to know to get started down the sunny path towards a more confident, vibrant, and exciting love life. Best of luck out there, you’ve got this!